Letter to my Pets:

When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not to switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are YOURS and contain your food. The other dishes are MINE and contain my food.

Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate does not stake a claim for it becoming YOUR food and dish, nor do I find that anesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is NOT the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster then you can run.

I can not buy anything bigger then a king size bed!  I'm very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats actually curl up in a ball when they sleep....It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible!  I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the first time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If for some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is NOT necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years-canine or feline attendance is not mandatory!!!!

The PROPER order is to kiss me, THEN go smell the other dogs or cats butt!!!

I CAN NOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH!!!!!!

To pacify you my dear pets, I have posted the following message out our front door: 

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About OUR Pets:

1. They live here.  YOU DON'T!!!!

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, STAY OFF the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture).

3. I like my pets alot better then most people.

4. To you, it's an animal........To me, he/she is an adopted Son/Daughter whom is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.  Dogs and cats are better then kids!!!! They EAT less, DON'T ask for money all the time, ARE easier to train, USUALLY come when called, NEVER, EVER drive your car, DO NOT hang out with drug using friends, DO NOT smoke OR drink, DON'T worry about having to buy the LATEST fashions, DON'T wear your clothes and DO NOT need a GAZILLION dollars for college-and if they get PREGNANT, YOU CAN SELL THE CHILDREN!!!!

Some of us have choices...Some of us don't!!